4 min readNov 28, 2020

Shame may be the only way we make any notable statistical progress as we enter the Second Lockdown

Idon’t know about you, but there’s nothing I enjoy more than feeling superior to other people. This has been especially true during the pandemic because it has gifted America a veritable parade of wingnuts, denialists, hucksters, and shitbags whose breathtaking inferiority now constitutes a dire national emergency. Bereft of national leadership when it comes to virus prevention,

we’ve been forced to rely on each other to keep the country safe, or at least as safe as it can possibly be at the moment. The good news is that, this time, we know the basics of how to prevent mass contagion: wear masks, keep your distance, and don’t be inside with large groups of strangers.

The bad news is how many Americans — including fucking governors — are not only ignoring these basics but doing so proudly. Turns out the only thing more contagious than the coronavirus is our collective idiocy. We can’t yet mitigate this at the voting booth because 1) the national election isn’t until November, 2) to find your local voting booth, you must first answer a series of intricate riddles posed by John Roberts, and 3) the voting booth just tested positive. Hence, the only available weapon we have on hand in this fight right now is shame: browbeating Covid-19 slackers into compliance.

Shame may be the only way we make any notable statistical progress as we enter the Second Lockdown.

I won’t lie. I do enjoy Covid-shaming people. Makes me feel like a big man. Shame may be the only way we make any notable statistical progress as we enter the Second Lockdown. But who is most shameable? Who deserves to be scorned for their epidemiological negligence, and who makes for an unfair target? I’m glad I asked. Reader, join me now as I escort you through a rogue’s gallery of possible Covid offenders and whether or not they deserve your open disapproval.

The Trader Joe’s Karen

The offense: Shows up to buy her Trader Ming’s frozen Peking duck in a bag without a mask on and then screams at everyone for daring to question her.

Should you shame her? YES. Oh god, yes. I know it’s disturbing to watch that video and see our Karen (you youngsters out there are getting so, so good at concocting new and lasting epithets for white people) letting her diseased spittle fly in an act of ignorant rage at a grocery store that has taken great pains to keep both its employees and customers safe. But it’s genuinely heartwarming to see the other shoppers call her out for her bullshit right on the spot. Weren’t expecting that now, were you, Karen?

The hair salon people

The offense: They endured so many bad hair days through quarantine that they had to break their shackles to get themselves some goddamn coloring. Inside! With strangers touching their heads! Are they fucking crazy?

Should you shame them? NO! Not crazy! As a matter of fact, Missouri hair salon patrons just conducted a successful ad-hoc experiment in virus prevention. Two stylists at a salon tested positive for the virus. Every single one of their customers who got tested after exposure to the virus (Note: It was only 46 of 140 exposed who volunteered to get tested) came out negative. The key? Everyone at that salon, customers included, wore a goddamn mask the whole time. Who knew Missouri would prove good for anything?

Playground trespassers

The offense: They jumped the fence so little Johnny could go on a swing.

Should you shame them? Absolutely. Other parents remain the undisputed worst. If a playground is closed, it’s closed.

Movie theaters

The offense: They’d like to reopen so that you have the pleasure of sitting next to a random guy coughing both lungs out during a nine-hour screening of Tenet. Look at them disinfect their filthy seats like they’re spraying for fucking termites:

Should you shame them? No. Last week AMC Theatres announced plans to reopen without mandating that audiences wear masks. They were summarily shamed into reversing that policy and falling in line with the likes of Alamo Drafthouse, which does require masks and is enforcing social distancing. If Hong Kong’s success with containment is any indication, there’s a have-it-both-ways scenario in which we can still do a lot of normal activities so long as we do them correctly. So look at that Cinemark tweet again. They’re cleaning that auditorium thoroughly! That’s good! If they left every seat covered in a thick layer of used Jujyfruits, I’d be judgier.

The Trader Joe’s Karen

The hair salon people

Playground trespassers

Movie theaters

Written by Faeza Bell